Tonight, God gently spoke to me.
He said, “I miss you child, can we have a short chat?” and because my heart
is filled with thanksgiving for all the wonderful things He has been faithfully
blessing me with, I beamed at Him and said, “Of course God.”
So I opened my pink book and I was
taken aback when I saw there that, four full days had passed and I didn’t get
to do my devotion and my heart aches and I started to tear. It aches because I
realized that while I was so unfaithful with the simple little things God asked
of me, He remains constant and faithful in delivering all the BIG THINGS I have
ruthlessly asked Him for during our fasting week two weeks ago (which I have
been also unfaithful.) I tear because God’s love for me remains true,
unchanging, unwavering no matter what I have become.
Tonight, I read the Book of John
where Jesus was sentenced to be crucified. I may say that I have read this
chapter for so many times already but every time I would read it, I will always
get too overwhelmed by the weight of the crucifixion. It is difficult to let my
imagination follow that story – the betrayal, the trials, the denial, the flogging,
the mockery, the agony of death and the grief of those who loved Jesus.
And while I tear as I read through
those heavy passages tonight, God gently spoke and asked,
“Abby My child, would you allow Me
to take you there?”
and I struggled. It’s obscene, it
is ugly and the Cross is an offense and I don’t want to see because I know and
I know, At The Cross, I will see the consequences of ALL my sins, it is
grotesque, it is scandalous, it is ugly, but I also know that it is an ugliness
I needed to see and so I trusted God and gave Him my hard “YES.”
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At the Foot of the Cross |
Standing there at the foot of the
cross I saw myself weeping, gazing at my beautiful Saviour: the Ruler and
Creator of all deemed guilty by those He created – guilty of sins that were
never His. And then God took me few more hours back and brought me to the place
where Pilate took Jesus and had Him flogged. It was gruesome, it’s horrifying,
it’s inhumane and I shut my eyes to the TRUTH, I couldn't look! The whipping was
without mercy. Those stripes were real it almost feels. I wanted it all to end,
I want out, I couldn't take it anymore and then Pilate took Jesus out. To His
people He said “Here’s your king.” but everyone shouted, “Crucify Him! Crucify Him!” And in a flash I heard a girl’s voice
shouting vigorously...
Her voice was so familiar to me that even the crowd was deafening I can vividly hear her voice. My heart started to beat faster and faster. “I know that voice.” I told myself and I looked around trying to find who that girl was and I couldn't believe what I saw… it was I, the girl was me and I saw Jesus looks at me. This is hard to swallow and I asked myself, “How can this be?” and I wept bitterly while they dragged My King to carry the cross that was never His to carry but mine. I ran toward Him: beaten and wounded and with every gut left in me I plead...
At the foot of the cross where Jesus was hanging. I was devastated, I hated myself. I started to beat myself up, calling myself names of shame and regrets and then I heard Jesus gently spoke…
“CRUCIFY HIM! I DON’T HAVE
OTHER GOD BUT MYSELF!”
Her voice was so familiar to me that even the crowd was deafening I can vividly hear her voice. My heart started to beat faster and faster. “I know that voice.” I told myself and I looked around trying to find who that girl was and I couldn't believe what I saw… it was I, the girl was me and I saw Jesus looks at me. This is hard to swallow and I asked myself, “How can this be?” and I wept bitterly while they dragged My King to carry the cross that was never His to carry but mine. I ran toward Him: beaten and wounded and with every gut left in me I plead...
"You don't have to do this, please... I am so sorry!"
and My King replied...
"It's OKAY Abby, it's okay... because I'm doing this for you."
and He went on taking with Him not just the cross but also my wrecked, lamenting broken heart and I followed. Helpless before my King I watched him suffer, bearing all my sins and enduring everything I deserved: the persecution, the mocking, the spitting, the nailing, and the abandoning.
At the foot of the cross where Jesus was hanging. I was devastated, I hated myself. I started to beat myself up, calling myself names of shame and regrets and then I heard Jesus gently spoke…
“Father, forgive [Abby}, for [she]
do not know what [she’s] doing.”
(Luke
23:34) My own version
and then Jesus looked me in the eyes...
“Woman
behold your [daughters]… (I looked
around and saw my disciples beside me.) and to my disciples He said, “Behold your mother.”
(John 19:26-27) My own version
Even in His moment of greatest
suffering, Jesus is still shepherding.
He bore all my ugliness; He did so because He loves me and He died for me; a sinner, a leper at His feet, a plank-eyed saint and a heart divided because He is good and His love endures forever.
And there I saw Jesus bowed His head and gave up His spirit after He has spoken,
He bore all my ugliness; He did so because He loves me and He died for me; a sinner, a leper at His feet, a plank-eyed saint and a heart divided because He is good and His love endures forever.
And there I saw Jesus bowed His head and gave up His spirit after He has spoken,
“IT IS FINISHED.”
And right there and there I knew I
was loved and that all my sins were forgiven but the best part of it all is
when God sealed our conversation with a gentle reminder,
“[Abby] My Child, if anyone is in
Christ, [s]he is a new creation.
The old [Abby] has passed away, behold, the
new [Abby] has come.”
2
Corinthians 5:17 My own Version
I have received the most STUNNING GIFT one could ever have:
 |
| The CROSS |
Sharing you this song that ministered to me while writing this blog:
I hope you get blessed as much as it did with me.
I hope you get blessed as much as it did with me.
AMAZING LOVE
I'm forgiven cause You were forsaken
I'm accepted, You were condemned
I am alive and well, Your spirit is within me
'Cause You died and rose again
Amazing love, how can it be?
That You, my King would die for me?
Amazing love, I know its true
It's my joy to honor You
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