There are some mornings that with all honesty I do not want to do my devotion, not because I do not want to but sometimes I'm just too tired and so wanted to rest and sometimes too loaded with work to accomplished and this morning is one of those.
But my gentle God never fails to remind me...
"Abby my daughter, you can no longer afford NOT to pray. Not now that you are:
ABBY&COMPANY CEO and President
DANCE4LIFE PHILIPPINES Founder
MODEL2MATTER Mentor and Speaker
PAPERDOLLS Manager
TEAM BUILDING FACILITATOR
BREADWINNER, a SISTER and a DAUGHTER
DANCING BRIDE Cell Leader
This life is no longer about you Abby. There are people I put in your care. They covet your prayers." - GOD
And many times I would tear... How these gentle reminders would pierce my selfish heart and make me think of these wonderful people that God put into my care. They need me, they need me to pray for them and I realized I couldn't get tired, I couldn't stop and more than anything I couldn't afford not to PRAY anymore because these are precious SOULS which Jesus Christ died for. That this life of mine has a great calling that only the grace of God can fulfill.
And what is even mind-blowing is that God said,
"and we are just starting Abby..."
For in Luke 12:48 says,
"From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked."
So this morning, I shook myself off, forced myself to open the bible and hold my pen to read and write a few verse and right there my Father in Heaven meet me where I am: lazy, sleepy, grumpy Abby. He didn't wait for me to be in full passion reading His word. He understands and He still lovingly excitedly pour His presence on me and indeed He is the giver and the finisher of our faith. He will walk us through and make sure by the time our end will come these words will come out from His mouth.
"Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things;
I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!"
Abba Father, help me to become faithful in every thing that you have put into my care. Give me the grace to lead and govern these people of yours with wisdom and fear of You. For I know that I am so small, but You are big. I am weak but You are strong. Help me Father in Jesus Name Amen.
Kahit ilang beses ko panuorin ung Four Sisters And A Wedding lagi pa din ako naiiyak. Ang lakas kasi maka-relate.
Ako kasi si Bobbie, ung lagi daw kahit anong gawin ang galing galing, na kahit ano daw pilit nila kahit kailan hindi daw sila lumapit sa galing ko, ako daw yung matalino, ako daw yung maganda. Ako na daw lahat. Kaya inggit na inggit daw sila sa akin. Pero ang totoo ako yung inggit na inggit sa kanila kasi yung atensyon ni Mama laging nasa kanila. Kapag si Abby, okay lang! Kaya niya na yan. Pero pag sila yung may kailangan kahit sobrang simple nandun lagi si Mama.
Ako lagi ung nasasabihan ng mayabang, na masama ung ugali, na ambisyosa, na matigas, na malamig. I'm sorry kung sa tingin niyo matigas ako. Siguro nga ganun na ako, kasi pinili ko maging ganun, kinailangan ko maging ganun.
Kasi minsan ang hirap. Ang hirap kayanin magisa. Ang hirap ipaglaban na mabuo yung pamilya lalo na pag alam mo ikaw lang magisa lumalaban. Ang hirap hirap yung feeling ng magisa.
Pero lahat un tiniis ko. Nagpakatatag ako nagpakatigas ako kasi kailangan ko. Pero hindi dahil matigas ako wala na akong pakiramdam. Na hindi na ako nasasaktan. Nasasaktan din ako. - Abby' version of Bobbie
Sorry for lashing this out. Im sorry. I have been trying to be strong, trying to hold everything together while inside I'm already falling apart. Im sorry. Can I just feel vulnerable and fragile even just for awhile. Can I just be HUMAN tonight?
FORGIVEN
ONLY TO FALL ONCE AGAIN. Getting ‘fresh starts’ only to get all muddy again.
AND you ask yourself, “When will I ever get it right?” AND you beat yourself
up! (Oh! How good we are in doing this! We are all experts in condemning
ourselves!)
“Ang tagal-tagal mo ng Kristiyano ganyan ka
pa din?!
Pa-simba-simba ka pa! Not ounce less Abby!
You are the same as you
were 10 years ago.”
And the past
haunts you down, reminding you of all your failures, calling you names of shame
and regret and you wonder, “How long is this gonna last?”
Hosea 7:1 [My own version]
"Everytime I gave [you Abby] a fresh start, wiped the slate clean and got [you] going again
[you] soon filled the slate with new sins."
When I know and I know that I DO NOT
DESERVE a single act of goodness from the Lord and yet He still bless. How
stubborn and wayward daughter I become and yet His love remains constant. A
thousand times I've failed, still His mercy remains and I can't help but to
fall on my knees and to realize HIS RELENTLESS PURSUIT OF AN UNDESERVING PERSON
JUST LIKE ME.
Oh God! what a terrible SINNER I am before You, when it is just right to PUNISH me, to WALK AWAY from me and to GIVE UP on me, YOU PURSUE ME STILL.
"OH! How He
must tire of our ruthless ability to accumulate sin BUT GOD forgives us anyway.
His constant
pursuit of us leaves Him exposed BUT GOD
still seeks us.
We run BUT GOD still relentlessly pursues us.
We sin again
and again BUT GOD so loved the
world.
We are
‘treacherous and half baked’ BUT GOD
remains.
We are
‘bird-brained, mindless, clueless’ BUT
GOD understands.
Like a
weather vane, we turn our backs on Him BUT
GOD endlessly welcomes us back.
“Our love
for him is like a morning mist, like the early dews that quickly disappears,” BUT GOD loves us still. We constant
change BUT GOD never does."
BUT GOD! Thank
God for those two words. We are hopeless before You OH GOD!!! BUT GOD, YOU
ALWAYS MAKE A WAY.
And in the
middle of my self-proclaimed verdict of guilt and condemnation there God
gently whispers,
“I know what
is coming Abby. I know you will fail this test
and you will fail some more but
trust Me, I will not let you fall away completely.
My gentle hands can always
lead you back to the right path. You have never gone so far that you can’t come
home to me Abby. Trust me, your story isn’t finish yet. Take heart my daughter,
I am not done with you yet.”
Life is
unfair. Life is tough and sometimes it will knock us down. But we are never
defined by our failures nor our mistakes, what define a person is how she gets
back up and keep going. We should never quit on God quitting on ourselves. When
He said that He will put into COMPLETION whatever He has started in you, He
meant it. You are never too late to start a new chapter of your life. You are
never too old to dream new dreams once again and you are never too far from God’s
love to reach you. There’s hope, it’s with Him, it’s HIM and it is a sure thing
because GOD IS OUR ULTIMATE HOPE AND OUR GOD IS A GOD OF REDEMPTION.
“Do not put a PERIOD where God puts a COMMA.”
“…but
where sin increases, grace abounds all the more.” – Romans 5:20
All is GRACE, undeserved, unmerited favor of GOD.
I remember a
conversation with my pastor:
Pastor: Pag
nadapa, tayo ulit at bumalik sa piling Niya. Wag na wag mo i-disqualify yung
sarili mo, kasi pinili ka na Niya?
“29 For
those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son,
that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. 30 And those he
predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified;
those he justified, he also GLORIFIED.” – Romans 8:29-30
And if you
are tired of trying and failing and trying once again and failing again and
trying some more and failing… come to the Lord who gives rest. Rest in Him and
let Him fix you and win the battle for you. He is able and He is willing.
"28 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28
Whatever you have done in the past, there is absolutely
nothing that can make God love you less or love you more. HE LOVES YOU WITH
UNENDING, UNCONDITIONAL AND UNWAIVERING KIND OF LOVE.
"38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels now demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any power, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will able to separate us from the Love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:38-39
If I fail
nine thousand nine hundred ninety nine times, I will find TEN THOUSAND REASONS
to get back up because God said, “Abby I am not done with you yet and your
story has still to be unfold and to be told. Wait upon the Lord, wait upon Me.”
To all who has been given thousand times of chances and still couldn't get it right,
sharing you this video, I hope you get blessed! WE ARE LOVED BY GOD NO MATTER!
Every time I would meet someone for the first time I would never
ever escape this dreadful question, “Do you have a boyfriend?” and
sometimes, honestly I just wanna say YES, so I could spare myself from
explaining why up until now I am still single, because I realized people don’t
believe me anyway whenever I say “NO.”
They just couldn't believe that this beautiful, smart,
confident, charming Abby Borja is single. [These are all according to them, please
don’t hate me.] For them, it just doesn't make sense, and so they throw the
follow up question which I hated the most, “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?” And you
could only imagine my reaction every time I would hear this. I didn't know that
being single is a crime. Honestly, I wasn't informed. But this is my reality… despite
how people think I got everything every man could ever wish for his GIRL, I AM
SINGLE and I want the whole world to know that I am absolutely OKAY with it, in
fact I am happy about it. GET OVER IT.
I grew up in a community where boyfriend and girlfriend relationships are highly discouraged especially when you are still in school simply because there
is none such in the bible [DO NOT ARGUE, THIS MATTER IS SETTLED! I ABSOLUTELY
AGREE WITH THIS!] Graciously, I was able to finished college not having a
single relationship with any guy [most of the people I know, know why.] And so
I graduated and entered the so called REAL WORLD, and I realized that this world
seems to be a COUPLE'S world because wherever you look, you see that everyone has a
partner. [Oh well in the beginning there was ADAM and EVE and not to mention
God’s order to Noah to keep a male and a female of each kind inside the ark, so
I guess this world was made and was meant for DOUBLE and never for SINGLE yeah?…]
OKAY Let us go back to the topic, WHY AM I STILL SINGLE? Aren't there any man ever showing interests in me? Of course there is. Am I too overly
choosy? Should I not? Or maybe, just maybe I am JUST DEAD SCARED?
I remember my conversation with this girlfriend of mine; she
asked me the same question, “Why are you still single?” And so I started my
litany from the famous line “I am waiting on the Lord.” to “I am having a blast
being a single!” and in the middle of my passionate explanations she
interrupted and boldly said, “HINDI! DUWAG KA! EXCUSE MO LANG LAHAT NG
IYAN, ANG TOTOO NATATAKOT KA.”
And I stopped, for a few seconds there was silence but in my
mind I remember shouting, “You are wrong!!! I am not scared!!!” But to my disbelief
my lips suddenly uttered, “I guess you
are right. I think I am.” And there was silence once again...
I grew up without a dad. He left when I was three. It’s
painful to know that he left us for another woman and that pain afflicted me
for a very long time. My name is Abby Gyll derived from a Hebrew name Abigail
which means “FATHER’S JOY.” Growing
up I have asked,
“How can I be a Father’s Joy when my father left me and live a life as
if I do not exist?” And not to mention the public humiliation I experienced
when he announced to the whole world that he has only ONE daughter when he and
his family were interviewed in an on air talk show. WOW! I do totally not exist
because of that statement. FATHER’S JOY? ME? YEAH RIGHT!”
For years I carried that pain in my heart. I thought that if
my own dad wasn't happy about my existence what makes me think that I could
ever make any man happy about it? And so I shut all the men in my life. They
said I am too cold, too stiff, too hard but what they don’t know is that I am
not cold, I am not stiff, I am not hard…
I AM BROKEN.
Having full guards up I did not let any man get any further into my heart. I was doing okay until I reached the age of 23 when I met a young
man who swept me off my feet. [Seriously! I really believe that he swept me off
my feet and my head hit the floor because I LOST ALL MY SANITY!] He was
absolutely a complete opposite of what used to be my HIGH STANDARDS and yet I was deeply, madly in love with him AND just like what I expected it to be, after three full months had passed, I found
myself in pain again, this time it was extremely gut-wrenchingly painful. I never thought that my already broken heart
could ever be more broken. And so I hated life, I hated myself, I hated him, I
hated everyone else including God. I was in deep pain I sincerely wanted
everything to end. I wanted to commit suicide that time but for whatever reason
I chose to live and I am glad I did.
2012 was the year I struggled with my faith. I was confused
and I started to question.
“Does God really love me? If He truly loves me then why would He
withhold that which I believed will fully satisfy me? Why do I live in this
sense of rejection, of lack, of pain? Does He not want me to be happy?”
For days, weeks, months and for years I've struggled trying to figure out
what did I do to deserve all of these? And I've reached the point when I became
so numb. I was too spent to say another “Please.” or “Amen.” I am too soul-weary
trying to hold on to the past, wishing it all go away. My heart is torn trying
to have it all together despite whatever. I am too tired, I’m worn and I've lost
my will to fight and so I SURRENDERED. With all that I have left I cried out to
God and there I saw Him, right there. All this time He was there, waiting for
me patiently. He was there because He cares. He’s always been there, He never
left me nor have He forsaken me. I remembered that moment when God with all that He is
welcome me with arms wide open and He wrapped me in His arms and He said,
“It’s okay Abby, it’s okay to let go. You can trust me because I love
you, I truly love you. I named you Abby Gyll for a reason, that truly you are a Father's Joy. I am your Father and you are My Joy.”
And I wept and I felt like His embrace became so tangible I could feel His presence right there where I am. God is there and He is real. I would never ever forget that moment, because in that moment
I felt so alive. The God who created the universe is hurting with me and He cares
and He loves because how can He not when HE is LOVE HIMSELF?
For a very long time I forgot what it is to love and be
loved. God healed my broken heart, melted my defenses and He showed me the way through
the pain. He taught me how to love once again. HE TAUGHT ME THAT THE WAY
THROUGH THE PAIN IS TO REACH OUT TO OTHERS IN THEIRS. That this is the true
meaning of LOVE: The taking of one’s life, pouring it out and making it a
blessing. This is how God displayed His great love for us through the CROSS.
Could there be any greater LOVE than this? That a HOLY GOD would hurt, would
suffer and would die for sinners just like me? So just like His, my pains have purpose. All these hurting would all make sense one day. I might not understand now but it's okay because He promised that His plan for us is always to prosper us and never to harm us, to give us hope and a future and that all HIS PROMISES are PERFECT and YES to all those who believe in Him and He who promised is FAITHFUL.
"God's way is PERFECT. All the Lord's promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to Him for protection." - Psalm 18:30
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
And if God's plan is perfect then why alter it? If this pain is part of God's plan then let it hurt. If this is God's plan then I CHOOSE PAIN.
And so you ask me why am I still SINGLE?
The reason is… because I haven’t met that man who can love
me with the LOVE of JESUS CHRIST yet. Because I learned that a human love is so
frail, so conditional, so superficial and I am sure as hell that for that MAN
to be able to love ABBY BORJA, he would need GOD’S LOVE in him because I know
how wrecked of a woman I am, how difficult and how unreasonable I can be, how
demanding and how selfish I am at times and in the process I don’t want to end
up breaking that man. I don’t even know how to cook for crying out loud but God said that He is not
done with me yet and that I am a MIRACLE ON PROGRESS. I am learning, slowly I
am.
These are the reasons why I am still single because I long
for a man who has the character to withstand the witch in me. That man who can
see past my physical feature and see what’s really happening inside
me. That this girl who happened to have a strong personality, who seems to have
it all together is really an imperfect, fragile broken little girl who is in need of
genuine love and care. [Who wouldn't need this anyway? Aren't all girls deserving to be loved and cared for by their MAN?]
I have to admit I've heard too many crying girlfriends
telling stories how their boyfriends cheated on them. I've heard too many
broken marriages and I've heard too many stories of lost and wayward young people
as a result of these happenings and IT SCARES ME. I had enough! And so I wanted
and prayed for my own story to hold a different ending. That my NEXT boyfriend
will be my LAST and that he would become a GOOD FATHER; a solid foundation
for me and the entire family, a husband whom I can lean on and JUST IN CASE our
relationship would fall apart, HE WILL CHOOSE TO STAY because he loves our children
so much more than himself that he would do everything so they will never have
to suffer the same things I have suffered.
And if I may ask, is this too much to ask for MY MAN? Or is this
the very thing ALL MEN OUGHT to be and ought to do for their GIRL? That every
man should treat his girl like a princess, love her with an everlasting love just
like how JESUS loves the CHURCH. Not to give up on her when things started to
get ugly and to redeem her no matter what it takes? Isn't this the very essence
of every man? To pursue, to provide and to protect? That having a man right by
your side would really mean ONE LESS LONELY GIRL?
Because this kind of love, GOD’S KIND OF LOVE which is RELENTLESS AND STUBBORN is the only love that can contain the totality Abby Borja, her past, her present and her future.
Honesty, I have no idea if I've already met “THE ONE”, only God
knows but until then, I will wait patiently and live JOYFULLY SINGLE in this
COUPLE'S WORLD. I know one day I will finally meet him and when that day comes I wanna CATER TO YOU.
SO TO all the SINGLE LADIES out there...
BEST THING COMES TO THOSE WHO WAIT. That kind of man is cannot be rushed. He is worth the wait. PROMISE.
AND TO all the WORN out there...
Whatever situation you are facing right now, God is there
with you, hurting with you, He cares and He loves you so much. So sisters and
brothers, let us put our trusts on the Lord because His love for us is perfect.
It’s okay to let go, to surrender and see God walk through your situation and let
him fight the battle for you. The battle is His and the victory is to those who
choose to believe.
And so I close with this verse:
Isaiah 43:1-4
“Don’t be afraid, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by your NAME; you are MINE. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned or scorched, nor will the flame kindle upon you.
Because I am God, your personal God, …your Saviour. I paid a huge price for you… I’d sell of the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you. That’s how you mean to me! That’s HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU.”
PS: I have forgiven my dad and that young guy. In fact I
have a wonderful relationship to both of them. This I learned,
“The beginning of WINNING is in forgiving.” – Abby Borja
Sharing you this wonderful song... I hope you get blessed.
